everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
