Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
