Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Randomize
