When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
