Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Randomize
