If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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