Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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