I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
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