I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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