omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Randomize
