I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
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