Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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