went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
My ass is underappreciated
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Randomize
