my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
