Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I AM VODKA MAN
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Randomize
