I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
