I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Randomize