I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Randomize
