You smell like a Billy Joel song
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
I'm too high and old for this...
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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