youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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