is your mom at the bar?
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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