I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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