My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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