I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize