You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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