you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
So much Jack, so little girl.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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