Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
this is an emotional support booty call
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
How naked do you want me to be?
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