I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Randomize
