There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
