There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize