So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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