i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Randomize
