That's when you crack a 10am beer
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize