I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
