I molested 6 butterflies tonight
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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