I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
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