My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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