Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
