I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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