And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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