I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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