i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
Randomize
