you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Randomize
