You did that once after drunk driving from a photo shoot
That was very cool/italian of you
Which brings me to my next point, how come italians are so well adapted to drunk driving
So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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