i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
