My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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