1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
