Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
