Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
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