It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
