kristin has been a bad kristin
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Randomize
