8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
I can text with my tongue
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize