I am puke
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
