If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
