I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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