Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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