if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
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