I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
